


Never Went Away

by meleonon



Series: Bosselot Week 2016 [3]
Category: Metal Gear
Genre: #Bosselotweek16, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-31 01:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8557984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meleonon/pseuds/meleonon
Summary: The pain had dulled with time, as he transformed his love into admiration and loyalty.But the pain never fully went away.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Submission for bosselotweek (little late, but oh well): First Kiss

_The wind battered two men, who paid little to no attention to the gale, both of them focused on each other as they exchanged blows. The younger of the two swung his right arm out, missing the older man, who landed a punch on his ribs. With a hiss, the younger jumped back, rubbing at his tender ribs trying to ensure that none of them were broken. The elder stood back and let his friend assess his condition, pleased when he slipped back into his attack position, letting him know without words that he was alright and more than raring to go again._

_They had been sparing for nearly an hour, both had started to tire a long while ago, but neither of them were willing to back down first._

_The younger man knew that he needed to do something in order to take his opponent down…he had barely landed any hits on the man since they started, while he had received a pummeling from the man. With a quick glance down at his opponent’s legs, he rushed forwards, this time ready for when the other man would dodge his leg sweep, yet, that wasn’t what he was planning in the first place. Shooting his arm out, he grabbed ahold of the other man’s shirt collar, yanking him forward before he had the time to assess the situation._

_At this point, adrenaline was running high and his inhibitions were lowered. Finally gathering the courage to do what he had wanted to do since the day that they met, the younger man crushed his lips against the older man’s, nearly crumpling forwards at the fact that they were kissing._

_The older man shoved him away, his eye wide in shock and confusion._

_“What the hell was that kid?”_

_His eyes dropped to the ground…not sure how to respond after being rejected rather violently._

_“It was a distraction.” It hadn’t been…but that sounded like a good enough excuse._

_“A distraction?”_

_He nearly sighed, but if he did, then the other man would have picked up that something was wrong._

_“Yeah, a pretty good one if I do say so myself. You never retaliated.” He couldn’t lie and say that this didn’t hurt. He wanted to tell him that he loved him…that he had since they had first met…but he could never gather the courage to do so…and look at where what little courage he did gather brought him to._

_“Oh…well…yeah, I guess so.”_

_He turned around then, not able to face his idol and his love at that moment. He had never expected to be in a relationship with the man…but to have the actual rejection in his face was more painful than he had ever experienced before. He didn’t say anything to him then, just walked away leaving his friend confused as to what had just occurred._

_They never talked about what happened that day._

_The pain had dulled with time, as he transformed his love into admiration and loyalty._

_But the pain never fully went away._

Ocelot blinked, shaking away the memory as he wondered where the hell that had come from. That had happened nearly forty years ago and he hadn’t thought about the only time that he and John had kissed for…well…since shortly after it happened.

His eyes fell on the man that has held his heart for fifty years, his heart saddened at the pathetic state his friend was in. Once, this man had struck fear in the hearts of the men that heard his name, Big Boss…now, he lay in his bed, a mismatch of limbs transplanted from two of his three clones.

With a sigh, he sat back in the chair he was seated in, the lack of noise was comforting in ways that was hard to understand.

“John…” He didn’t expect a response, the only other occupant of the room was in a coma and he wouldn’t wake up until Ocelot himself was dead. “How is it that a man such as myself…one who never waivers in the face of danger and can make most grown men piss their pants in fear…” he paused to release a sad chuckle, “How is it that my own courage lacks when it comes to you?” The room went silent as the only one in the room that could talk got lost in his thoughts.

It wasn’t that John scared him…he just, wasn’t willing to risk their friendship in the hope that they could become something more. John had never shown any interest in him, though, he knew that John had an interest in men, Kazuhira Miller had proven that much…yet, the man who would sacrifice everything for him had never earned a second glance when it came to love.

Focusing his attention back on John’s lifeless body, Ocelot let his head drop slightly.

“Why is it at times like this…a person starts thinking about all of the things they’ve regretted throughout the years?” He knew he was alone, though it didn’t stop him from asking his question aloud, as if, somehow, John would be able to hear him. “I don’t regret much…but I think the biggest thing I regret if not gathering the guts to tell you how much I love you…because…” He nearly growled as his voice cracked and his vision blurred slightly, “Because this is the last I’m going to see you my friend…”

He took a moment to collect himself, trying not to lose control of his emotions…he wasn’t going to cry because of this.

“You lied to me John.” A pause, as if he was letting his statement sink in.

“We won’t meet again.”

 

He sat there, his eyes never leaving John’s face, wandering over the eyepatch that covered the scar that Ocelot himself had given him. Ocelot knew that, once he left…it was over. There would be no more seeing John…no…he would have to make the ultimate sacrifice in order to bring him back to life once more…only this time…he wouldn’t be by his bedside when he awoke from his coma.

Allowing himself a few more moments, Ocelot stood up, making his way to John’s bedside. Grabbing John’s hand, he bent down and pressed a kiss to his cheek, letting his lips linger there for longer than necessary. Pulling away, he took in John’s appearance for the hundredth time since walking into the room, the courage flowing into him more than it ever had before…though it was only because he knew that he couldn’t be heard.

“I love you John…I’m going to miss you, more than I’ll ever be missed I’m sure.” His throat burned, and he let John’s hand drop back down to the bed, moving over to the table that was situated next to the bed to distract himself.

Gathering up what he had brought, Ocelot set his old, brown duster coat on the table, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to wear it again…so might as well let John have it. Pulling out his revolvers, he settled them on his coat. They were fully loaded, so that when John woke up, he was armed. He didn’t want to leave them…but he really had no choice…he wouldn’t be able to use them. Finally, he pulled out an envelope from his pocket, placing it against the revolvers so that John could easily see it when he awoke.

At this point, he supposed that he could be stalling, but he really didn’t want to go. With one last look at the man who was his world, Ocelot turned and left the room, passing by the woman who had waited for him outside.

^^^

He found himself in a lab, hooked up to machines and wires, a woman’s voice drifting in and out of focus.

“You okay Ocelot?” He blinked at Naomi confusedly for a moment before responding.

“Yes I’m fine. Are you going to get on with this or not!?” Perhaps it was wrong of him to snap at her like that…but having his memories erased and Liquid’s personality implanted over his own wasn’t a pleasant experience and he didn’t need Naomi questioning every little thing.

“Yes…of course.” She sounded hurt, perhaps rightfully so, but he just wanted to be done with today’s session.

He found himself losing things day by day.

First went the small things.

His favorite color. What animals he liked. The color of the uniform he had worn in the USSR. The name of the place that he and John met.

Then, as the sessions progressed, larger things started slipping his mind.

The name of the dog that he had trained in the 80’s. The names of the men that had stood by his side for nearly thirty years, his unit. The face of his mother.

In their stead, memories were added, things that shouldn’t have been there, but were.

The way the gun felt against his head as he watched as Venom walked away from him. The pain and humiliation he felt as he fell from the top of REX, the face of Snake…his brother…slipped out of view. The hatred that was felt for Big Boss.

 

Later, he would find himself wandering the compound aimlessly, as if he was in a dreamlike trance, unsure of who or what he was. Memories swirled in his head, Liquid’s and his own mixing and creating a concoction that left him dazed and confused. Soon, only Liquid’s would remain and Ocelot’s would cease to exist…but that was what was needed to revive…

…to revive…

A man with brown hair and two blue eyes came into focus…then drifted out to be replaced by the same man with only one eye and an eyepatch.

…to revive…him?

Big Boss…

He shook his head.

That wasn’t right…that wasn’t his name.

Staring at the wall, he wracked his brain, trying to come up with a name.

_“You’re not a Snake, and I’m not an Ocelot. We’re men, with names. I’m Adamska, what’s yours?”_

_“John.”_

_“Plain name, but I’ll remember it.”_

But that didn’t happen…

Did it?

He shook his head. Of course that happened, that was the time in the WIG after…after that one mission…the one that he had met John.

Ocelot couldn’t believe that he had nearly forgotten John’s name after promising that he wouldn’t forget it.

He hadn’t even thought of the possibility that he could forget who John was.

 

 

After a particularly long hypnotherapy session, he had lain down for a quick nap, his energy having been drained.

Awakening a few hours later, he wiped at his face, confused as to why his hand came away wet. His eyes burned and he nearly jolted as he realized that he was crying.

Why?

He didn’t know, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t come up with a logical explanation.

The only thing he knew…was that it felt like he had lost something precious to him…something that should be there but was no longer around.

The name John no longer held any significance to him.

Liquid hadn’t known any one by that name.

 

Liquid had taken over…

…and after a while…Liquid had died, taking the man once known as Ocelot, down with him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

^^^

 

 

Hitting the stop button, he resting back on the headboard, not wanting to believe a single word out of the video.

Sure, he had met Naomi before…but that didn’t mean that he should trust her every word.

Why would Ocelot, one of the most proud men alive, let himself be taken over by Liquid?

Big Boss ran his hand through his hair, his eyebrows narrowed in confusion.

He only woke up a few hours ago, from a coma that had been much longer than his last one, to find a recording from Naomi “explaining” what had happened in the time he had been unconscious.

Shifting his legs from under the blankets, he made to stand up, his eye being drawn to his bedside table for the first time since awakening.

Reaching out to grab the envelope, he flipped it over, his heart pausing as he recognized the handwriting as Ocelot’s…as Adam’s.

Carefully opening the envelope, Big Boss pulled the paper held within out, almost afraid as to what was going to be written on it.

His eye flew across the page, taking in Ocelot’s script as his mind attempted to process what he was reading.

_John,_

_First things first, you need to trust Naomi. Whatever she tells you is the truth I’m sure, so don’t be too mistrustful of her. She’s been helping EVA and myself for a while, she has her own reasons for wanting the Patriots gone as well, so it is unlikely that she will betray us._

_You once asked me what I’d be willing to do for you, I had assumed that you were testing my loyalty, or perhaps you were just being rhetorical. I had answered that I would set the world ablaze for you, and you had just laughed it off. If everything has gone according to my plans, then I have done just that for you John. ~~I would have done so much more for~~_

_~~It’s a strange thing. How one can repeat the mistakes of one’s parent’s.~~ _

_I’m pathetic you know? I spent fifty years yearning after something that I knew that I never would have. I never told you, but I suppose there’s no reason to hide it now. After all, I’ll never see you again._

_I love you John. Ever since I met you, but I’ve been too afraid to tell you. It is much easier to tell you knowing that I’ll never need to face the rejection that I’m due._

_If I believed in the afterlife or that we’ll be reincarnated in another life, I would say “We’ll meet again”, but that would be a lie. I’ve never lied to you before, so I’m not going to start now._

_I’ve missed you my friend, but I am glad that you never had to see what I have become._

_You just have one last mission, one that I will be unable to finish myself._

_Take the world back to nothing by destroying Zero, the motherfucker still lives and the world won’t be in peace until it is taken back from a hundred to zero._

_Faithfully and Loyally Yours,_

_Ocelot_

Big Boss let the letter fall to the table, his remaining eye burning as his throat tightened.

Ocelot was dead…and there wasn’t going to be a final farewell. He just wished that he had been able to see him one last time…even though he had said that he was glad that he hadn’t seen whatever he had become. It didn’t matter to Big Boss though, Ocelot was Ocelot…his lifelong friend and loyal comrade.

Letting his eye drift to the rest of the items on the table, he carefully picked up the coat, slipping it onto his frame, buttoning it all the way up. It was a tight fit as Ocelot had a slighter frame than himself, but that didn’t matter. He couldn’t find the strength to pick up the Colts that sat alone on the wood table, his hands were trembling, almost unsure as to what he needed to do. He had gotten so used to having Ocelot by his side, he was never left unsure as to what was required, but without the Russian there…he felt his absence like a wound.

Pressing his nose to the collar of the coat, he silently mused that Ocelot still smelled the same as he had back in the nineties…since the last time he had seen him. Feeling stronger than he had moments before, Big Boss grabbed the revolvers off the table, slipping them into the coat’s pocket, ready to face his final and most important mission.

Setting his shoulders back, he left the hospital room, his stride exuding a confidence he didn’t feel.

It was strange how in moments like this, one starts thinking about all the things they regretted throughout their lives.

Big Boss thought his greatest regret, was not letting his walls down and allowing himself to return the same feelings that Ocelot had hidden from him so well.

As he stepped into the outside world for the first time in fifteen years, Big Boss glanced around, his mind anywhere but the scenery around him. He needed to find Zero…Naomi had told him how to do that and he trusted Ocelot’s judgement about her, so he would do as she had instructed.

His shoes clacked against the ground as he headed off to complete his last mission, deep down he was glad to be almost done with everything…

Unlike Ocelot, though, he believed firmly that they would see each other after all this…besides, he had told Adam that they would meet again, and Adam wasn’t going to turn him into a liar.

 

 

 

 

 

_The wind battered two men, neither of them paying attention to the gale, both of them focused on each other as they exchanged blows. The younger of the two swung his right arm out, missing the older man, who swung back and landed a punch on his ribs. With an almost inaudible hiss, the younger jumped back, rubbing at his ribs, the older wondering if he had hit him a little too hard perhaps…hoping he hadn’t broken any of the ribs. He grinned slightly as the other man slipped back into his attack position, silently letting him know that he was alright and more than raring to go again._

_They had been sparing for nearly an hour, and while both had started to tire a long while ago, neither of them were willing to back down first._

_He knew from experience that the younger man was assessing his situation, knowing that he needed to try something different, after all, he had barely hit him, yet he had unleashed quite a pummeling on the younger man. He saw his eyes flick down at his legs, then he rushed forwards. He almost laughed at the rookie move, but instead he settled with kicking out his leg to try to trip the other man. The other man shot his arm out, grabbing ahold of his shirt collar and yanking him forward before he had time to react to the anomaly._

_Suddenly, the younger man’s lips were against his own and he froze in shock for a moment. This was so different from anything he had experienced before…his lips were soft and he kissed him tenderly…but it wasn’t right (was it?)_

_He shoved the younger man away, his eye still wide from shock and confusion._

_“What the hell was that kid?”_

_The younger man’s eyes dropped to the ground and he instantly felt bad for reacting the way he did…it was strange thinking that he could possibly like him like that…but then again it wasn’t that far fetched._

_“It was a distraction.”_

_“A distraction?”_

_Was that all it was? A simple distraction? Nearly deflating after hearing that, he figured that it he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up._

_“Yeah, a pretty good one if I do say so myself. You never retaliated.” Well…the kid seemed to not be too hurt about being shoved away earlier…but he couldn’t help but feel the slight hole in his chest…he really did like him, but it seemed to be strange and something that wasn’t normal._

_“Oh…well…yeah, I guess so.”_

_The other man turned around then, and he wasn’t sure if it was because he wasn’t able to face him after kissing him, or if he somehow felt disgusted at his thoughts…thoughts of how he wished they could share something more than what they had. His heart tugged at him as he watched his friend walk away from him…but he didn’t know what to say in order for him to stay…so he just let him go._

_They never talked about what happened that day._

_The longing he felt for the younger man never faded, though he shoved it away, trying to forget about his thoughts of what could have been but wouldn’t be._

_But the longing never fully went away._

Not even as he sat against that younger man’s mother’s tombstone, his eye burning as the tears that had been threatening to fall finally were released as he died, regretting that he hadn’t done more to let Ocelot know that he loved him.

_Even though you didn’t think we’d meet again Adam…I know we will, our bond is too strong not to…_

“This is a good thing, isn’t it?”

 


End file.
